I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
