Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
