I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
