nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
