there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
