Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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