I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize