y did u give ur computer a hand job?
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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