So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize