Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
