i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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