it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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