you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
