i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
