I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
