Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
