there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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