I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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