mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We have started to decorate penises.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
