I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
