Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
