I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I party with great urgency now.
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