it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
