Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
