There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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