i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
