I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
