If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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