Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
