We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
