if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
