I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
