loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
