I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
