it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
