I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
