the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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