I haven't been this sober since birth.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
