Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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