i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
