It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
