Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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