he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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