if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
