just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
