Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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