new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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