Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
