happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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