I need to stop coming to work sober
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
