im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
ugly people sure do ruin things
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My life is pants optional.
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