If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
