He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize