It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize