I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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