bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
