can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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