They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
