Nicole vs. Life
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
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